Predator Power Rankings

Quijote, Knarf and I had the pleasure of seeing Predators a few weeks ago back when I was in Kansas for a visit.  We went in to the movie the way we went in to Final Destination 2:  Ready to laugh at everything, no matter how angry the audience got at us.

Sadly, about 30 minutes into the movie, Knarf turned to me and said, "Dammit, it's actually good!" 

And it was.  Not good in the sense that it will get Adrian Brody another oscar, but good in the sense that we had a hell of a lot of fun watching it, and it made us laugh with it instead of at it.  Well, maybe a little at it when Laurence Fishburne showed up and basically did a Christopher Walken impression for 20 solid minutes. 

Anyway, we got to talking on the ride back home on how we would rank the different Predators from the different movies.  We ranked them based on the weapons they used, the opponents they fought, how they died, and who killed them.  The more awesome those factors, the more awesome the Predator.  Here's what we've come up with:

PREDATOR POWER RANKINGS (from greatest to suckiest)

1.  Original Predator - The classic is still king.  With just his wristblades and a plasma cannon, he was able to take out an entire team of future governors (Carl Weathers, I'm looking at YOU!).  He was willing to get up close and dirty to do the deed, and it took Arnold in his prime to take him down (and only just barely!).  Stacked against the other predators, he wins hands down.

2.  Falconer Predator (Samurai Predator) -  Even though he was in a total of two scenes, we felt pretty comfortable ranking him as a solid second place.  First, he had a robot hawk.  Second, he participated in what is perhaps the most badass scene in any of the predator films.  A samurai swordfight.  In tall grass.  With both participants dying at the end.  Falconer, we hardly knew ye, but you cut us... right to the heart.  *sheds single tear*

3.  Berserker Predator (Jawbone Predator) - Holy.  Crap.  Standing a foot taller than most other predators, Berserker was the primary antagonist in the new Predators movie.  He not only decapitated a predator modelled on the one from the first movie in our first glimpse of Predator-on-Predator action, but when he unmasked himself I actually recoiled.  They've tinkered around with the design of the Predators from movie to movie, but what they did with this guy's face gave me the first "holy crap just LOOK at that thing" moment I've had in a Predator film since the first one.  Major points to Berserker for only using his claws and his plasma cannon, just like the first one.  Plus, you could argue that he shouldn't be so high because Adrian Brody took him down.  Bear in mind that this was a Christian Bale emulating, crazed, "damn those Nazis for taking away my piano, I will eat their hearts to steal their power" Adrian Brody, who used a hapless Topher Grace as a landmine, and an entire burning forrest in order to take Berserker down.  Even that would make mud-covered Arnold give this version of Brody the "man grip of greeting" reserved only for Carl Weathers.

4.  Elder Predator from the end of Predator 2 - He's up here because we are led to believe that he either killed cowboys or pirates.  Or both.  Whatever - all we know is that there's a story behind that flintock he tossed at Danny Glover, and we know that it involves him standing victorious over a pile of dead and decapitated awesome.  He's the only Predator on this list who isn't dead, so that also gives him a leg up on the competition. 

5.  Tracker Predator (The one with the Tusks from Predators) - So, you know all of those freaky dog things that looked like the monster from Hellboy that would split in to two when you killed it?  Yeah, I guess this guy trained them.  Plus, he killed Laurence Fishburne in the height of his Christopher Walken impression.  Also, he trained all of those dog things.  It took a dude from Spetsnaz to take him out, and the Spetsnaz guy didn't survive.  Fans of Deadliest Warrior will know that this is an impressive feat.

6.  Wolf Predator (from Alien vs. Predator: Requiem) - This guy had some of the coolest toys of any Predator - a nifty whip, a vial that melted people when you poured it on them, and... well, a really nifty whip.  He was killed when he went hand-to-hand with a Predator-Alien hybrid.  Not bad, but Sigourney Weaver fought one that was three times it's size AND still survived. 

7.  Scar Predator (from Alien vs. Predator) - He lived a hell of a lot longer then his buddies, had some decent weapons, and possibly almost made out with his human female costar... but decided to pour acid on her forehead instead.  Not a good move on a first date, bro.  Save that action for at least the fifth or sixth date.  Also, he took off his mask and got all face-hugged.  Not so impressive.  But still, impressive enough to not be dead last on this list.

8.  Celtic Predator (Alien vs. Predator) - He has a cool name, a cool mask, and a cool attitude... but he got aced by the same alien who killed his buddy, Chopper.  Again, Sigourney Weaver did WAY better than he did, and she didn't even have good weapons in the first Alien movie!  Number eight for you!

9.  Chopper Predator (Alien vs. Predator) - The only thing he did was get killed by an alien.  Seriously, that's it.  I guess that makes him about as cool as Kane from the first Alien movie... well, except that Kane's death was iconic and this guy just sort of bought it and was tossed aside like a sack of potatos.

10.  Elder Predator (Alien vs. Predator) -  Ok.  He shows up at the end of the movie wearing a cape.  A freaking CAPE!  What is he, the emperor of Predators?  Not if Awesome Elder from #4 on this list has anything to say about it, I'd bet.  Also, the moron takes a corpse on to his ship without checking it for a possible Alien parasite.  And guess what - There was an alien parasite in the corpse.  And then he leaves some random chick to die in Antarctica.  What a moron.  He totally shouldn't have been wearing that cape.  He did even less than the Chopper Predator, and still got more people killed.  What a dick.

11.  Predator from Predator 2 - Wait, WHAT?  Why is he clear at the bottom of this list?  He killed drug lords and cops and had all sorts of awesome weapons!  Plus, he killed Gary Busey!  Why his he down here?
Well, ficticious protestor, let me tell you:  He was killed by Danny Glover.  Daddy Day Care Danny Glover.  I'm sorry, but he was a huffy dough-man even when he was trying to be bad-ass in the Lethal Weapon movies.  Danny.  Freaking.  Glover.  That automatically drops him to the absolute bottom of this list.  Even if he wasn't killed by Danny Glover, what kind of Predator was he?  He ran around killing drug lords who were half-stoned out of their minds.  Lazy.  Plus, he killed Gary Busey.  Big mistake.  Everyone knows that killing him only makes him stronger.  Thanks, Predator 2 Predator... thanks for giving Gary Busey even more unholy powers.  You deserved to get killed by Danny Glover.  Now go cry about it.  Dumbass.     

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